BREAKING NEWS … President to Outlaw Scalpels

26 03 2014

Washington, DC – The President of the United States today held a press conference announcing his intention to seek new federal legislation and regulations to save the lives of US Citizens put at risk by the medical establishment through no fault of their own.

A new study, to which the president referred, has shown that ½ of 1/10th of 1% of the 195,000 deaths in hospitals caused by medical error each year are due to the negligence of surgeons addicted to alcohol or drugs. As a result of these numbers, 9.75 deaths each year on average, the president has asked Congress to outlaw scalpels.

“Since adequate treatment for addiction is not available to surgeons at this time,” the president said, “we must outlaw these tools of death.”

Comments from Congressional leaders are expected to be forthcoming.